and a prosperous year ahead
The Spuriously Puerile Information Task force (SPIT) has uncovered a shocking truth that has been kept from the dining world for many years.
A small, but pleasurable, pseudo-dessert has been responsible for adding unhealthy calories to unsuspecting diners' diets for years.
For far too long it has been forced upon patrons, without even being requested, following a restaurant meal. Through the diligent efforts of SPIT, legislation is now planned to protect innocent citizens from this waistband stretching snack.
In Bill 8675309, the government proposes to ban...the fortune cookie. Read on to see how SPIT plans to rid society of the unhealthy fortune cookie and replace it with the 100% healthier and prettier 'Daily Affirmation paper cup'!
To make this story even more shocking, SPIT has also uncovered information about the mysterious history of the fortune cookie. While it is served following almost every Chinese food meal, the cookie was actually...created in America! And, in California no less. Take a moment to soak that in...all the years you believed you were observing a Chinese tradition, you were mislead. Duped. Lied to. Tricked. It's almost criminal in the opinion of SPIT.
The fact is that there are 2 possible stories about how the fortune cookie was created but no one knows the real truth. In whichever version you believe, the fortune cookie was created as an act of kindness and thankfulness to be given to others. And somehow, these little cookies became an expected free dessert.
While fortune cookies are made from very simple baking ingredients, the most concerning ingredients for SPIT and the government, are sugar and salt. The ingredients in one fortune cookie recipe calls for:
As you may have heard, sugar has been rumored to be linked with hyperactivity in children. In addition, sugar is clearly a problem that is adding to the growing obesity rates. Finally, salt have been linked to higher blood pressure levels which is linked to heart disease. And, the worst is that there are suggestions that consuming sugar may lead to other addictions.
In fact, one theory on the Internet says that sugar may be similar to a 'gateway drug' to alcohol and obesity. It's on the Internet, therefore it must be true. SPIT is not prepared to comment on the truthfulness of this fact, but know you have been warned.
All in all, this is a frightening finding by the members of SPIT! To add to the horror, these 'cookies' are manufactured at an amazing rate of 4 billion cookies per year.
In 2013, it was estimated that there were slightly more than 7 billion people in the world. That means that every man, woman, and child...no matter how old or how young...could have almost 1/2 of a fortune cookie each year.
Shocking? Yes, but SPIT is uncovering these hidden secrets to protect you.
Now, you may think that SPIT is out to spoil all the fun of eating dinner at your favorite Asian restaurant. But, you would be so wrong.
SPIT has proposed a fun, new substitute for the unhealthy fortune cookie. In the aforementioned Bill 8675309, legislation is included that would replace the fortune cookie with Daily Affirmation paper cups!
You can enjoy your favorite calorie and fat-free beverage in your disposable paper cup. But wait...on the outside of the cup is a small peel-off section. Simply pull this tab, and "TA-DA"! You have your Daily Affirmation.
Through these Daily Affirmation paper cups, diners would develop more positive attitudes and a better sense of well-being. The mental health community would embrace this tactic to bring wellness to people all over the world. Depression rates would plummet and suicide would become virtually nonexistent.
Perhaps, you can even imagine that Daily Affirmation cups could bring on what every beauty pageant contestant hopes to have one day...'world peace". That's one small step for cups, one giant leap for mankind!
Several governments are already on-board with the Daily Affirmation paper cup idea. The Printed Paper Cups Company, a division of the Scyphus Group, already makes the perfect style paper cup for this innovative replacement for the undesirable fortune cookie.
This company has been making products from food grade paperboard and food safe inks for centuries. It's rumored that artifacts of cups from The Printed Paper Group have even been unearthed in the Greek and Roman ruins. However, SPIT has determined that to be false because the products would have biodegraded well before now.
But, then again, the cups are made from a division of the Scyphus Group. And, in the ancient Greek civilizations, the Skypho was an engraved cup.
Hmmm...Skypho, Scyphus? Do you see a link? There may be a whole new conspiracy to consider there!
But, back to the Daily Affirmation paper cups replacing fortune cookies. Of course, Daily Affirmation paper cups could be expanded to reach restaurants of all kinds. No longer would the concept of an after-dinner quote be restricted to the Chinese restaurant. All cuisines would begin to use the Daily Affirmation cups.
Italian, German, American, French...you name it, the sayings could be translated into all languages.
Imagine the world united in one goal...the Daily Affirmation.
Yes, you can thank SPIT for the idea.
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